The Perfect Father ( I didn't know I had )
The Perfect Father (I didn’t know I had)
Life doesn’t always turn out how it’s supposed to or at least how we think it should. People fail, people give up, they start following their own way instead of doing the right thing. In this post I will share how this looks in my own life. I must warn you this post is pretty raw and honest. Let’s just be honest though, the truth isn’t always pretty or comfortable for that matter. I have to admit I really struggled to put this specific blog post out there. I have been sitting on this blog since December. This blog required me to be transparent and share more of my story then I ever have before. It addresses one of those big hurts. The kind that just keeps ripping open again and again. Let me be clear from the start, I am not writing this for sympathy or attention. That’s not my style at all. I am writing this because I know I am not alone in this struggle. If I can encourage others through telling my story I will consider this blog a win. That’s the goal.
My father Is not in my life right now. He hasn’t been around for over ten years. He has reached out to my three siblings and has some what of a relationship with them. He sees them once or twice a year. For a reason I have yet to figure out he wants nothing to do with me. I text him every once and awhile to say I love him or send pictures of the girls. I never get a response. The hole that digs in my heart is real! I have fought so many lies that I’m not good enough, somethings wrong with me, I’ve even questioned If he really is in fact my father. I guess I felt that would be easier to handle then him choosing to have contact with all of his kids except me.
My husband has met my father once and my baby girls never have. This is not how I pictured my life to play out. There are times I wish he could know my sweet little girls. I wish he could experience how amazing they are. Another part of me thinks maybe it’s better they don’t know him in this season of his life. I never want them to experience the rejection or burst of anger I have come to expect from him.
For awhile I thought the hole in my heart would go away. There was a season in my younger years where I thought I could drink and party the longing for him away. I have tried to replace him with many things some intentionally others un-intentionally. The pain that comes from not having a father in your life is something you just can’t understand unless you are walking it out. It’s affected so many parts of my life, from my confidence to my marriage. There are so many times I wish I could call him and ask questions about life. I wish I could talk to him about the dreams and plans I have. I have prayed for him. I have prayed he would be “fixed.” I have prayed he would have a spiritual awaking. There are so many times I don’t even have words to pray.
Christmas is never easy. My family all gets together. I never get an invite to the holiday gathering. Social media seems to bring hurt every year when I see what looks like such a complete happy family only it’s missing me, my husband and girls. My father met my nephew at the Christmas celebration this year. When I seen that picture it ripped my heart. It was bitter sweet. Half of me was so happy for my sister, the other half couldn’t help but wish he were meeting my girls. He has never acted interested in meeting them at all. I tell myself he’s missing out but that don’t make it hurt any less. I tell myself a lot of things but the pain and longing knock at my heart every day in some way or another none the less. I wonder if he ever considers the hurt he has caused. At the end of the day, I am left with a task. It’s no easy task but, I forgive, I have to. There are days I forgive more than once because it cuts the ties of hurt and depression. If you are walking the forgiveness journey out you know the struggle is real!
I have been on the journey to healing for awhile. I have a great husband and two of the most precious baby girls to keep me busy. I try to keep my mind on my blessings and not on the things I can not fix. That being said I just couldn’t deny the huge hole in my heart. It wasn’t until this morning during worship something totally shifted. I realized I was focusing on all the wrong things. God answered my prayers in his perfect gentle way. Isn’t he just so awesome? I still have more questions than answers but I have experienced a great healing. Please allow me a couple more paragraphs to share: Worship at Grace is always powerful (especially when Justin Howard leads) Yes I am totally bias because he’s my husband. Today though as I sang out about the overwhelming never ending precious love of God it was like a light bulb just went on in my mind! I realized the love I have been wanting from my father has been there all along for me to have from my Father God! I know this sounds trivial but It was as if God revealed himself to me like never before. I just felt so overwhelmed by his love for me. I have a father that loves me! He loves me in a way so big no one on earth can even comprehend it’s immensity! A perfect Father that doesn’t go away but instead like the song says “chases me down, fights ‘til I’m found, leaves the ninety nine. I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still he gives his love to me…. There’s no wall he won’t kick down, lie he won’t tear down coming after me.” Me! Melonie Howard! Even in my brokenness even in my lack of understanding he loves me. When I don’t make the right choice, when I make mistakes he still gives his love to me. I don’t have to chase after empty promises. I don’t have to send text and wonder if I will get a response. He is always with me and just a whisper away. Ya’ll he chases after me! Singing songs like he’s a good good Father have a whole different meaning to me now. He is The Good Father I need when my father is too hurt to be who I need him to be. I am loved by God and that’s enough for me.
There is just something about knowing, I mean truly knowing that you are loved by the creator of the universe. It gives you crazy faith! I am still believing for complete restoration in my family. I truly believe my father will find healing. I know God has a plan and it’s perfect. It IS God’s will that my family is restored and saved. Just knowing that gives me such joy!
I don’t know your story. You may have one or both of your parents missing from your life. This could be something that happened recently or maybe it is something you have dealt with most of your life, ether way the affects are real. Parents are so important in a child’s life at any age. We don’t grow out of the need for parental guidance. The effects of a parent choosing to walk out of their child’s life can cause real damage. It seems once our confidence is compromised it bleeds into every aspect of our lives. I am writing this blog to encourage you on your journey to healing. God is with you. He will never leave you or forsake you. His thoughts towards you are so good. If you are brave take a second to close your eyes and imagine his arms wrapped around you giving you a big ole hug! Allow God to use the words of this blog to assure you he really does care and you are never alone!
One of my favorite writers Lisa TerKeurst once said, “When you make one other human simply see they aren’t alone, you make the world a better place.” That is my prayer for this blog. My goal is to let you know I understand. I am believing God will restore your heart like he is doing with mine. The healing is a journey. I know so many times in my inpatients I have just wanted to snap my fingers and be healed. God has opened my eyes to view it like extensive surgery. First off we have to be healthy enough for the surgery. Second, he has to take small parts out at a time. He knows just how much we are able to handle. I believe no one can restore a heart, family or relationship like Jesus Christ. God is with us. His timing is perfect and he truly is a good good Father!
May The Perfect Father’s face shine on you today and always,
Melonie Howard
